To Die Is To Live
by Aaron D
Summary: Blatant selfinsertion of RE4. Do yourself a favor and just don't read it. Or whatever.


"I don't know if I trust this bridge," I said as the three of us reached the old, wooden conveyance which stretched across the deep gully. "It seems kind of...old." 

"We'd better get across," Leon said commandingly. "They're right behind us, still."

"Fine," I said as he leapt across the huge gap in the middle. Wonderful bridge, there. I helped Ashley get over, then barely made the jump myself, nearly slipping on the wet, moldy wood. "If I fall off of this thing, I'm gonna _kill_ you," I swore to Leon.

The little Spanish village was even less attractive after nightfall than it had been during the day, and the throngs of insane farmers chasing us with torches did little to enhance its atmosphere. To be honest, I had no idea what the hell these guys thought kidnapping the daughter of the President of the United States would accomplish, or why they thought the US would have no response whatsoever to that action. What I really wondered right now, though, was why they hadn't equipped Leon and me with some heavy-grade assault weapons and some kevlar body armor.

Just as the three of us reached safe, solid ground again, I looked up. Just our luck, another, separate group of bloodthirsty natives was waiting for us, streaming through the gate which would lead us out of town. "Aw, crap," I said laconically.

"What're we gonna do, Leon?" Ashley asked, her eyes wide.

I checked the ammo in my handgun. "I guess we'll just have to kill them," I said. "Five shots should be enough for them all, right? I mean, it's not like we have another choice. They're coming from both sides."

Leon shook his head at me, glancing quickly in both directions. "I hate to say it, but we're sandwiched, all right." He pointed at a nearby dwelling. "Quick, in that cabin!"

"I hope it's empty," I said, grabbing Ashley's elbow and dragging her towards the dilapidated building.

Leon slammed the door shut after we'd entered, trying desperately to barricade it shut. I scanned the room for anything of use, but wound up dry.

"Leon!" a voice shouted. Suddenly, a 2" x 6" plank sailed through the air and into Leon's waiting hands.

"Hey, it's Luis!" I said in surprise as Leon jammed the door closed. "What're you doing here?"

"Small world, eh?" said the Spaniard, walking forward casually. "Well," he said, looking Ashley up and down, "I see that the President's equipped his daughter with..._ballistics_."

"Luis," I said nervously out the boarded-up window, "we've got like, a hundred badguys out there. It's hardly the time to be discussing Ashley's luscious, full-breasted, uh, um...wait. Where was I going with that?"

"How rude!" Ashley said, favoring both of us with an accusatory glare. "And I don't believe there's any relevance with my figure and my standing. Who're you?" she demanded of Luis.

Luis chuckled shortly. "Excuse me, Your Highness. Perhaps the young lady might want to introduce herself first, before asking someone his name?"

"Oh," I said, "her name's Ash---"

"Her name's Ashley Graham," Ashley said, cutting me off. "The President's daughter."

Luis looked at Leon and myself warily. "Is she...well, you know?"

Leon shook his head. "Don't worry; she's cool."

"To say the least," I added.

Luis waved his hand nonchalantly. "Never mind. There's supposed to be some obvious symptom before you turn into one of them, anyway."

To my left, Ashley gasped, pointing at the window. "Look!"

I checked for myself, and saw that the villagers were approaching, closer and closer. A few more seconds and they'd be on us. "Aw, crud. They're coming."

"Ashley, upstairs!" Leon ordered. The blonde nodded and jogged up the creaky stairway.

I found a box of bullets in a nearby desk drawer, so I quickly reloaded my handgun. A full twelve shots, with another clip and a half to spare. The villagers started moaning outside, some of them muttering in Spanish. "You know," I said, "for as much ammunition as these guys leave lying around, they sure don't have very many guns among them, do they?"

"Lucky for us," Leon said, cocking his shotgun. "Here they come."

Both he and Luis stood ready for a few moments, but I knew this was pure idiocy. "Haven't you guys every watched movies before?" I shouted at them. "If there's one thing that **Signs** taught us, it's that even a technologically-advanced army of aliens can be foiled by boarded-up windows and doors with furniture in front of them." As I was saying this, I started pushing a dresser in front of the western window. "Come on!" I shouted, pointing to the other heavy objects in the room. Leon and Luis followed suit eventually, blocking every possible entrance into the ground floor of the old cabin.

Of course, this didn't work with one hundred percent effectiveness. As Luis was trying to shove a desk in front of the rear window, one of the crazed villagers stuck an arm in, keeping the window partially clear. Then, some of his compatriots started chopping down the boards with an axe, which all but cleared the way for them.

Fortunately, this meant that the attack was only coming from one side. "Clear!" I shouted, and the other two knelt while I tossed an inciendary grenade into the villagers' midst. The explosive detonated, covering nearly a dozen of them with flames. None of them would be bothering us. Twelve down, three hundred to go.

Leon started concentrating on headshots, trying to take some of our attackers down quickly. This seemed to have been a good idea, except for...yeah, that's why. For some bizarre, fucked-up reason, some of the bastards had some damn bugs or shit inside 'em, and well, these things'd sometimes be able to attack you, even if the villager himself was already dead. While Luis tried to concentrate on kneecapping more of them with his luger, I started taking shots at the bug-things.

"Damn! What the hell ARE they?" I just kept firing at its base until it let out a huge wail and exploded. Satisfying as that was, I knew we weren't out of the woods just yet. A noise from outside caught my attention. It seemed to have been coming from somewhere above us.

"Upstairs!" Luis shouted as all six of our eyes met. Leon took point, with Luis next, while I kept firing at the villagers we hadn't had the chance to eliminate yet. Walking up stairs backwards is never fun or easy, but it seemed like an acceptable alternative to an axe in the back of the skull, so I resolutely and slowly backed my way up, firing a few shots into the villagers' legs along the way.

When I got to the top, I saw that the clever sons of bitches had started placing ladders around the upper windows, which, of course, as luck would have it, were not in any way boarded up, or even closed. I tossed another grenade down the stairs, then started helping Leon knock down the ladders. Of course, the persistent nutjobs kept on putting them back up, but it was pretty easy to knock 'em back down again, and the process kept on continuing, with a couple of interludes to blow away those attackers who'd made it up the stairs.

Then, abruptly, everything stopped. The villagers acted like they heard something, although I couldn't quite make out what it was, and simply cut off their attack, abandoning us to our own devices. "What the hell...?" I said profoundly.

To my left, Leon looked out the window. "Looks like they're backing off."

"So, what do we do now?" asked Luis.

Shrugging, Leon said, "The bridge we crossed to get here is out, so I guess we have no choice but to keep moving."

Suddenly, Luis looked a little nervous. "I, uh, forgot something. You guys go ahead." Suddenly, he dashed down the stairs, off to a destination unknown.

"Lewis!" Leon shouted after him.

"Where's he going?" Ashley asked suspciously.

"That's another thing," I said to Leon, ignoring the First Daughter's comment. "His name isn't Lewis, it's _Luis_! You know, 'cause he's from _la Espana _and all that? Most of us learned enough Spanish from Sesame Street to know how to say it."

Ashley brushed her blond hair back behind her ears. "You know, Leon, he has a point, there."

Leon S. Kennedy looked at both of us in disbelief, first with betrayal at Ashley, then with irritation at me. "You're a moron," he said right to my face.


End file.
